15 Things It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn

Posted on July 2, 2007
Filed Under Awesome Links |

By Dave Barry…

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

Your friends love you anyway.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

    If you liked this, you’ll probably like Stuff I Wish I Knew When I Was 16,

    Update: Turns out it’s not actually by Dave Barry

    Comments

    20 Responses to “15 Things It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn”

    1. doug m on September 19th, 2007 10:49 am

      this is one of the funniest posts i’ve read today. i stumbled here and have now added you to my list of daily blogs.

    2. Awesomeology on September 19th, 2007 10:57 am

      Thanks Doug…glad you enjoyed it!

    3. Miles Williams » “15 Things it Took Me Over 50 Years to Learn” on September 21st, 2007 12:46 pm

      […] Check it out at: “15 Things It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn” […]

    4. Through These Eyes » Blog Archive » Why does it take so long to know this? on September 24th, 2007 3:44 am

      […]  http://www.awesomeology.com/awesome-links/15-things-it-took-me-over-50-years-to-learn/ […]

    5. shaun on September 28th, 2007 12:48 pm

      hahaha thats amazing man where did you come up with this list lol? Stumbled this. I really likek your last point the best :)

    6. Awesomeology on October 1st, 2007 8:59 am

      Thanks Shaun!

    7. emil on October 4th, 2007 12:39 am

      i totally agreewith number one :)

    8. james on October 4th, 2007 11:32 am

      Actually several of these are quotes from the Robert Heinlein novel “Time Enough for Love” and are life lessons from the protagonist Lazarus Long.

    9. Awesomeology on October 4th, 2007 11:45 am

      Yeah, if you notice at the end of the posting, I put a link to the Snopes page that shows it’s not really by Dave Barry. I didn’t know where else to cite, though. I’ll have to check into that. Thanks James!

    10. Jurgen Kleykamp on October 5th, 2007 8:36 pm

      Cheers Dave! What a wonderful lessons you are sharing with the world! Funny and full of wisdom! That is the way we can learn!

    11. Dowst on October 6th, 2007 11:14 pm

      @#9: The reason for daylight savings time lies in it’s name, it was invented for saving daylight and having one (global) hour less of electrical lightning in the morning, saving energy. Of course this makes no sense nowadays, but at least I am the one person you’ll never find…

    12. Some other guy on October 11th, 2007 4:40 am

      They’re all pretty good until you reach #15

      Logical and reasonable questions followed by biblical crap.

      Sadly this is everywhere. From our dates (Jesus died 2007 years ago apparently) and our lives.

      Pity something so unfounded is so deep in our culture

    13. marcusklaas on October 12th, 2007 12:20 pm

      THX FOR TEH HEADZ UP LOL IM NOT 50 UET

    14. raelene on October 19th, 2007 9:50 pm

      That is really good. I would have never thought of some of those things.

    15. 15 Things It Took Me Over 50 Years to Learn « Vandamonium’s Weblog on October 20th, 2007 2:58 pm

      […] 15 Things It Took Me Over 50 Years to Learn 15 Things It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn […]

    16. evererch on October 22nd, 2007 2:12 pm

      this is so good - yes, it’s funny but more importantly it’s all so bloomin’ useful and correct! - thanks mister.

    17. 15 Things It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn « Mga Haka-Haka ng Isang Nababagabag na Tambay on October 24th, 2007 2:13 am

      […] clipped from http://www.awesomeology.com […]

    18. Digg Top OffBeat News of all times » 15 Things It Took Me Over 50 Years to Learn — by Dave Barry on November 18th, 2007 12:02 pm

      […] read more | digg story […]

    19. ChetG’s Blog » Blog Archive » Humanity’s Greatest Scam on April 16th, 2008 1:10 pm

      […] href=http://www.awesomeology.com/2007/07/02/15-things-it-took-me-over-50-years-to-learn/>Dave […]

    20. ChetG’s Blog » Blog Archive » Humanity’s Greatest Scam on April 16th, 2008 1:48 pm

      […] While stewing over the 20th Anniversary of Chet, my girlfriend stumbled upon a Weblog post entitled “15 Things it Took Me Over 50 Years to Learn” by Dave Barry. One of his maxims stuck out to me especially, because it was on the topic of birthdays. “There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.” -Dave Barry […]

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